From a Cluttered Desk

I am Tammy Cardwell, she of the cluttered desk. (Hey, you think I'm kidding?!) I'm having a blast here in Blogland and invite to you to peruse my ramblings. Like a buffet, they offer variety - essentially whatever makes it to the top of the piles that sometimes clutter my brain. We'll eventually cover it all - homeschooling, God, our church, the Eclectic Homeschool Online, books I'm writing and publishing, conferences I speak at, the joys of grandmotherhood, and hopefully chocolate. Of course, this is only what's near the top now. Who knows what's in those piles?

I don’t eeeeeven know when I wrote this, but it was years ago.

Journaling

I’m writing a book and, while gathering material for it, I’ve been rereading my old prayer journals. Oh my, has this been an eye-opening experience!

I began keeping a prayer journal years ago, pretty much by accident. I did not know it at the time, but I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown. For days and weeks and months, I fought an inner battle, losing ground daily. My problem was complicated, though its root cause was simple. (God told me to do something - take a big step in a specific direction - and I refused, in essence turning a deaf ear so I’d not hear what He was saying. Things went downhill from there.) The thing that triggered the healing process was simple too - a letter to God.

Into this letter I poured everything: the pain, the doubt, the fear, the anger… Interestingly enough, I don’t remember saying anything in the letter that I’d not been praying already. The difference was in writing it down. When I finished, God said, "Okay, now it’s My turn. Let’s read back over what you just said to Me."

There have been few other times in my life when I’ve felt such shame. Over and over, as we read through that letter, God showed me ME. He showed me Self standing proudly and Flesh in all its ugliness. He showed me that my focus had shifted completely away from Him and onto my problems, which made those relatively small problems seem gargantuan in size, grown to such proportion that they blocked all else - most notably Him - from view.

Once God had my real attention again, once I was genuinely listening to what He had to say rather than merely using Him as someone to cry out to, my healing began. In truth, healing happened almost miraculously fast. With my focus returned to Him, I admitted my sin, took that step He’s been telling me to take (and found it not nearly as hard as I’d feared) and soon realized that He’d made me a new creature all over again. All of this happened as a result of my stopping and taking the time to write my prayer.

I continue to keep a prayer journal for many reasons. The biggest is that it makes me face my self. The very act of hand writing a prayer forces me to slow down, to consider each word with care, and considering each word with care often makes me aware that what I thought I wanted to say wasn’t the right thing at all. Too, God will still, at times, say, "Hang on a minute. Let’s read back over what you’ve just written." Sometimes I’m proud of what He shows me; sometimes I’m shamed by it. Always I am changed, even if only in a small way.

And then there is revelation. It is easy to get so carried away in prayer that we don’t realize we’ve just spoken revelation, said something that, if we were really paying attention to our own words, would seriously excite us. In my written prayers, I see what I write and sometimes I’ll stop, astounded, thinking, "Where did that come from?" Not only have I seen it and, hopefully, grasped it, but it is also recorded permanently where God can bring me back to it any time He likes.

And God does bring me back, for one reason or another, every year or three. This time He’s brought me back in search of certain insights He’d given me into specific Bible verses, and in seeking these bits and pieces I am reading through and remembering many of my earlier prayers. One exciting reminder has to do with EHO. We were holding steady at 2,000 hits a month and in my prayer journal I asked God for 5,000. God has obviously answered that prayer because we now have over 34,000 readers a month and our hit counts are in the hundreds of thousands. Look how far we’ve come!

Rereading other portions excites me even more, though, and on a more personal level, because they show how far I have come. They reveal that God has delivered me through all the hard times, that He walked with me in the fiery furnace and brought me out stronger…purer. They show me, too, how much I’ve grown. I rejoice when I read a portion where I had come to God about that one more weakness, one more area in which I was failing to conquer…and today I see that I did conquer, that I truly have been made more than a conqueror through Jesus Christ.

Keeping a prayer journal may not be your thing, or you may think it’s not. I do recommend that you at least try it, for the benefits go far beyond those few I’ve mentioned here and it costs almost nothing in either time or money. Simply pull out a notebook and pen and start writing. You’re praying anyway already, so why not take the time to write your prayers?

***********

Well, I said this was several years ago and it obviously was. EHO, for instance, has a lot more monthly readers now. A year or so back, we had over 100,000 readers every month; I have no idea where we are now. Too, the book I was working on was Meditations on the Word, which you can read right here at TammyCardwell.net.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

I’m actually cheating with this week’s "From the Archives" offering, because you can’t really call it archival material when it was only written a year ago. I’m low on time, however (So what else is new lately, right?) and this is conveniently located and easily pasted.

The following will probably be familiar to you. I’m sure you’ve seen it in email at least once, or visited a website that has published it. I’ve tried to find the source, so I can properly cite it, but have been unable. (If anyone knows, feel free to tell me!)

The Penny

Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to go to dinner with her husband’s employer. My friend was nervous about this since the boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than her house.

Her husband’s employer took them to the finest restaurant in town. She knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely. As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of her husband. He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment.

There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped.

Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny. He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up?

Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer. She causally mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value.

A smile crept across the man’s face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this?

"Look at it." He said. "Read what it says."

She read the words "In God we Trust?"

"And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin. Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust is in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God’s way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!"

When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up. I read the words, "In God We Trust," and had to laugh. Yes, God, I get the message. It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful and God is patient.

I attended a gathering of Christian Tolkien Fans last summer and wanted to give my fellow moot members a gift. Not surprisingly, a big budget was not an option, but God, in His usual, creative way, gave me an idea.

It all began when a minister read the above story at the beginning of her message. I’d read it before and started to check out (Sorry. I know it’s wrong, but at least I’m being honest. [grin]), but God stopped me. "Pay attention," He said. "There is a lot you can learn from the lowly penny."

So I did pay attention, and He taught me a few things. I condensed these things into four brief statements and then put these, with the story, into a card I designed on my computer. I bought some buttons and glued pennies to them, then hung these pennies from ribbon, and gave the "penny pendants" (Or bookmarks, which is how I use mine) and the cards to my friends after I’d first read the above story, shared my story, and then shared these key things God taught me.

Pennies are precious if for no other reason than….
                                                              …they carry the name of God.
                                                                                                    Like us

When the first artisan engraved, "In God we Trust," on a penny, he did it with confidence, with pride, with joy… When God engraved His name on our hearts, He did so with confidence, with pride, with joy… He marked us as being set apart, special, particularly His. Like the penny, we are special, because we carry His name.

Pennies can get old, dingy and stained, worn and nicked…
                                                  …but that doesn’t change their value.
                                                                                                      Like us

Pennies can be transformed, washed in just the right cleanser…
                                                                                       …and made to shine.
                                                                                                                Like us

Pennies leave a reminder behind…
                             …when you’ve been touching them.
                                                                              Like us

 When you hold a penny, handling it, your fingers pick up that distinct, copper smell. The penny may pass out of your hands fairly quickly, but you have been marked by its passing - the longer it stays in your hands, the stronger the scent. Likewise, when I come into contact with others, depending on how close and prolonged the contact, I leave a mark; I affect them. The effect can be good or bad, great or small. I choose to work towards that mark being great goodness and mercy. Psalm 23:6 - "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life."

Too, just as the penny’s scent follows it, so, according to Mark 16:17-18, should certain signs follow us. "And these signs shall follow them that believe…"

God made this clear to me: The penny and I (and you) are both of great value for many reasons, not the least of which is this: We both have a message to share with those who come into contact with us.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Today’s From the Archives offering is a poem I wrote years and years ago. It was inspired by, of all things, a snippet from a Star Trek novel. (Little known fact about Tammy: At one time she was a serious Trek geek)

A Nail
by Tammy Marshall Cardwell

 For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
There is still more to this tale,
For by its end the battle was lost
And all for want of a nail.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

In the mid 90s I really got into word studies and at some point I looked up the meaning of every single word in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a. The following is the result of that exploration.

I Corinthians 13:4-8a - Tammy’s Exhaustive Version
Tammy Marshall Cardwell (circa 1996)

The one who walks in love, affection, benevolence-the one who is experiencing a love feast-will be long-spirited, forbearing, patient, and will patiently endure. This one who walks in agape (love) will also be one to show himself useful, act benevolently, and be kind. This loving one absolutely positively will not have a warmth or feeling against another, covet or desire that which another has, envy or be jealous of another; nor will this one ever in any fashion boast about himself, vaunt himself, or be yoked up to a burden (being puffed up, conceited, arrogant or inflated with pride).

He who walks in love will never be or act unbecomingly or behave in an unseemly fashion; nor will this one behave indecently. He will not plot against another or seek his own in any way and is not easily provoked or exasperated. The one who walks in love will not take an inventory of, estimate, dwell on, or even think about anything that is intrinsically worthless, depraved, or injurious.

This one is definitely never ever cheerful about, or calmly happy with (casually accepting of), injustice or moral wrongfulness, but sympathizes in gladness, congratulates, and rejoices in truth.

This loving one puts a roof over, covers in silence, and endures patiently anything, everything, whatsoever, whosoever, the whole of what comes. He also credits, trusts, has faith with respect to, expects the best of, and puts confidence in God in anything, everything, whatsoever, whosoever, the whole of what comes.

The one who walks always in this love will never at any time ever at all drop away, be driven off course, become inefficient, or lose.

Meditating on the Word is not only one of my favorite things to do, but it’s something the Bible commands us to do day and night. You may be interested in reading more of my Meditations on the Word here at TammyCardwell.net.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Motivation
Tammy Marshall Cardwell

August 2, 1992
For many months the Holy Spirit has been leading me through a study on motivation. It began with Proverbs 16:2, "all a man’s ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord." (NIV)

God has led me to scripture after scripture that proves beyond any shadow of a doubt that God looks more intently at why we do things than at what we do. Many of us do all the right things but we do them for our own selfish reasons rather than because God wants us to do them. In my case, I do constant battle with an ego that wants to gain man’s attention. I am determined to eliminate this pride from my life because I recognize that as long as it has place I cannot serve God to the fullest. Indeed, this very motive was the root of the Pharisees’ downfall (Matthew 23:5a) and Jesus warns us quite strongly not to be like them in Matthew 5:20.

Judge yourself and set your own heart right. Do not allow yourself to slip into a place where you do a thing because self wants to, because others expect it, because it is the easy thing to do, or even because you’ve always been the one who did it. The Holy Spirit is here to be your guide, to instruct you on the paths to take. Allow Him to minister God’s will to you and determine to follow His direction rather that of self. The rewards are infinite.

August 3, 1992
"All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirits-the thoughts and intents of the heart."(Proverbs 16:2  Amplified)

In anything I do I must ask myself, "Why am I doing this?" I do not wish to be ranked with the Pharisees who "…do all their works to be seen by men."(Matthew 23:5a).

Many in the church today are serving God not from a pure and sincere heart, but from a desire to serve self and gain man’s attention. God makes it clear in His Word that man’s attention is all they will gain.

The pharisees did what they did according to their law. Strictly speaking, what they did was legally correct. But God knew their hearts, He knew the reasons behind all their acts and He gave them no credit for it.

Aaron’s sons Nadab and Abihu were priests who had been set apart unto God and had been instructed in His ways. They knew the proper manner to approach worship in their office yet they, in their pride of heart, decided to offer fire unto God not because He had commanded them but because they wished to. This angered God greatly and He sent His fire to destroy them (Leviticus 10:1-3).

God holds each of us responsible for searching our own heart. He considers why we do a thing as being every bit as important as what we do. We must guard ourselves that we are not like the Pharisees , doing the right things for the wrong reasons and having gained nothing in God’s sight.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Technically, I should save this for Monday, because it’s definitely from the archives, but I sometimes have the patience of a gnat, and I’m thinking about it right now, not a couple of Mondays from now.

See, a friend of mine recently participated in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month - If you like to write, check it out for next year!) and She discovered something that those of us who have written fiction inevitably learned at some point in time.

The characters don’t always do what you tell them to.

Yep, if you’re one who has never written, you think I’m nuts. I promise you, though, unless you are a writer with a LOT of control, you can’t do too very much fiction writing without suddenly seeing things happen that were not part of your plan. Which brings me to this blog entry and the archival nature of what I’m sharing at this ridiculous hour of the morning. (I REALLY can’t believe I’m still up!) I wrote it in 2002 as a submission in a supershortstory contest. It didn’t win any prizes in the contest, but writing it was a lot of fun.

Collaboration
By Tammy Marshall Cardwell

I sometimes wonder about her, about what she thinks when I go off and do my own thing. After all, she did create me; she does have a proprietary interest in my life and the choices I make. And, really, I want my life to follow the course she’s laid out. She sees the whole picture; the finished book lives somewhere in her heart and soul. Only she knows which paths best serve the whole and here am I, somewhere around chapter 18 and pretty much ignorant of what’s coming. Still…

I mean…is there really any guarantee I’ll like what she’s got planned for me? I may be the protagonist, but I’ve heard rumors…nasty rumors about the things they sometimes do to their primary characters. Do I dare trust without question that everything really will come out all right in the end? And even if you narrow your focus and only look at what’s ahead of me in this chapter of my life, if you look at the choice I’m faced with now, you have to wonder. Yes, I know what she wants me to do, where she wants me to head, but frankly that park over there looks a lot more interesting than the meeting I’m scheduled for in a few minutes. I’ll probably be good and turn my steps in the direction of the client’s office, but…neither one of us can be sure, my author or me.

I’ve done it to her before, you see. For instance, there was the one point at which I knew I was supposed to catch that plane. Well, I flat out didn’t feel like it, so I didn’t. She’s out there, of course, and I’m in here, but I sensed her reaction easily enough. I could almost see her throwing her hands up in disgust, could not quite hear her muttering possibly obscene phrases to herself as she desperately tried to reclaim a plotline I’d just altered dramatically. And…should I share a secret? It felt good, this unanticipated power.

Let’s face it. She is the one in ultimate control, here. She knows the end from the beginning and she’ll write the book so that I reach her desired end one way or another. Usually this doesn’t bother me a bit. When I left chapter 7 behind, looking toward chapter 8, it was with an anticipation I’m not at all ashamed of. She’s good at what she does and…well, there are certain parts of this life I would rather she’d left out, but overall I’m happy enough.

Still, there are times, like right now, when I can’t help but look off in another direction and consider it, seriously consider it, for a few moments. In those moments I can almost feel her breathing down my neck, wondering which I’ll choose - her prescribed path or some other - and how she’ll deal if my choice doesn’t align with hers. Those rare occasions when I do choose the other path inevitably make extra work for her; I’m not so stupid that I’d think otherwise. I’m not sure that’s always a bad thing, though. She’d never admit it to me, of course, but there has been more than one occasion when, after a flurry of reactionary writing, a definite sense of satisfaction emanated from her direction. I can’t help but think that my unexpected action influenced things to the good, leading us toward a better book than we would have written without the interaction.

Okay. There’s a thought that’s never leapt out into the open before. It really is us writing this book together, isn’t it? I mean, she created me and put a great deal of thought into the creation, but then she set me out here and told me to start living life. Can she honestly blame me if I’ve got a mind of my own that leads me to take unexpected actions at times, and if those unexpected twists and turns add a new dimension to the book itself? And really, should my actions be all that unexpected anyway?

After all, she knows what makes me tick, or ought to by now. If she doesn’t know, or doesn’t remember, what this particular park means to me, is that my fault? So here I stand, facing more temptation than I’ve tackled in at least three chapters and in a way it’s her fault that the temptation is here. She certainly didn’t have to write the office so close to the park. She also didn’t need to have my secretary schedule the blasted appointment for this exact time of day.

So what if I decide to forget the appointment and take time, instead, to wander the park’s trails as I did on that other day, so many years ago? Oh, she’s nervous now; I can feel it. Here I go again, giving serious consideration to botching her carefully-constructed plot. She’s got me meeting with that man for a reason, I’m sure, but from my own point of view I see no big deal. Sure, they’re an important client, but losing them would hardly destroy my business and I don’t like working with the man anyway. On the other hand, the park offers me an opportunity to deal with some things I’ve been putting off for ages. Besides, you never know who you might meet while wandering a park’s trails. Why, it’s entirely possible that…

Ah…that thought of mine caught her attention; I can almost hear the wheels turning and can’t help wondering what options she’s considering. Is it possible she’s realized my own idea might be the better of the two, that it is best when we work together on this book instead of me leaving her to hash it out on her own? After all, she’s only the author; I’m the one living this thing. Who better than me to help her perfect the work when it is in my own best interest that it shine as an example of fine literature? I want us to create something that will live forever; immortality is, after all, the one advantage the characters of such books have.

Right, I’m ditching the meeting. It’s definitely time I put my own finger in the stew; it’s time I found out what waits for me in the park. I have no doubt, especially considering how satisfied she seems to be at this particular moment, that she’ll manage to adapt. Between the two of us we’ll turn this book into something that’s far better than anything she could have created on her own, and we’ll both have a shot at living forever.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Consider this my Monday "From the Archives" offering. Since tomorrow will be so busy that I’ll not see my computer from the time I wake up until probably around 10:30 PM, it’s safer for me to do tomorrow’s update today. Besides, in many places of the world, it’s already tomorrow. LOL!

So, from the archives…
(I"m thinking around 1995/1996, actually, though of course I’ve edited it to bring it up to date.)

The View from Inside the Furnace
Tammy Marshall Cardwell

Did Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego enter, by choice, into the blazing inferno? Certainly not! Yet, once inside, they had many choices.

It is likely that the first thing these three young men of God noticed within these heated walls were the flames that surrounded them. They had the option, could have chosen, to focus on those flames - to feel their heat and to watch as they consumed even the ropes that bound their hands. They did have the choice to let the flames themselves fill their vision. What would have happened if they had done so? Would the evidence, that which their eyes witnessed, have brought on fear? Quite likely. It is also quite likely that the fear would have consumed them even before the flames had a chance.

We will never know what would have been, because they set their eyes on other things. They had a companion in the furnace and they chose, wisely, to look on Him, to focus their attention on He who, as Nebuchadnezzar said, "…is like the Son of God." With their eyes on Him, they could not see the flames or, at least, the flames they could see fell away to unimportance. Their Salvation stood before them and they wisely chose to bask in His presence.

Nebuchadnezzar saw four men walking about in the furnace. What did they do when they walked, I wonder? Did they, perhaps, take the ultimate field trip? Did their companion take the time to show them the inner workings of that which had been prepared for their destruction? Again, we will never know.

There are many times in our lives when we are thrown into the furnace, bound, and not by our choosing. Like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, however, we are not alone and we have choices. We can, and all too often do, focus on the flames. We can feel their heat, see how hungrily they consume all in their path, speculate on how long we will last… But why? Unending flames are not only frightening, but they make for an unchanging, downright boring view. Why, oh why, do we insist on watching them when HE is there?

When we focus on Him, He gives us everything. We no longer see the flames or, if we do, they are certainly in the background. He protects us from the heat and we see that, as He is unharmed, we may walk unharmed as well. We can even watch as the flames burn away that which has had us bound, just like those flames burned off the ropes on the three Hebrew boys. When we focus on Him life cannot be monotonous, but suddenly becomes full of potential, of possibilities. And this while we are still in the furnace! What fool would, when offered this option, turn back to look at the flames? I must confess that, too often in the past, the answer would have been, "a fool like me."

The flames, for all that they lack everything He has and is, are demanding…mesmerizing. They fight for our attention with unearthly skill, as if they were living beings with purpose and intent. It is all too easy to let our eyes wander from the face of our Companion to that which we "face," and then He is left trying to get our attention all over again.

But what happens when we turn our eyes on Him and keep them there, when we look into the fullness of all He is, turning our backs on that which threatens us? Awesome things happen, often even supernatural things. Then, because we are essentially alone with Him, He is free to truly share of Himself. Here, locked away from the world, in a sense protected by the very fires that were sent to destroy us, we can have communion with HIM.

Such communion is, I believe, beyond compare. While alone with Him in the furnace I have experienced the joyous reality of that peace that passes all understanding. While with me in the furnace, He has given me visions and direction, helped me to see the path I was to take when I walked out the door and, often, the stops I would make along the way. While sharing this time together, just the two of us, He has even taken me on that ultimate field trip. He has walked me through the inner workings of that which was prepared for my destruction. He has even shown me how He would use that place to make me more like the person He wants me to be. No, it was not He who threw me in the inferno, but like any master carpenter He is an expert at using the tools that are handed to him.

I have been thrown inside many furnaces and I’ve survived every time. I have survived! That in itself is a revelation. In those early visits all I could see were the flames. I know now that He was there, that it was He who brought me back out again, but then I did not see. In those furnaces, I walked in constant fear of destruction, of being consumed by the fire.

During later trips inside those heated walls, I did see Him, but split my attention between him and the fire, making Him constantly work at drawing me back again. I still forget at times, and let my eyes stray from His glorious face, but I’m learning. I turn back much more quickly now so that we have our time of private fellowship and communion. I open myself up to Him and receive that which He has to give and, yes, I take the tour of the inner workings.

I will always walk out of the furnace eventually; that’s one thing I’ve learned through the years. Now I not only walk out, but I walk out closer to being the woman He calls me to be. I walk out richer in all of the things that matter. I even walk out, sometimes, not smelling of smoke.

I do not seek out the furnaces of life, but I have seen that they, more than anything else, show clearly how God can cause all things to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I’ve learned how to hold my head high, like those three young men of God, and declare that my God will deliver me.

Finally, I’ve come to admit that, as sincere as I might be outside the furnace, there are all too many distractions in the outside world. Outside the furnace, the view is enticing, exciting, alive. My eye is beset with a multitude of choices and I have myriad directions in which I can turn. In the furnace there are only two.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

PS: Don’t forget that those who comment will be entered into a drawing for a music CD!